And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
