i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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