the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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