Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
