Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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