Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
