That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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