glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
