you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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