Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize