tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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