I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
