I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
