Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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