god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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