Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You left your phone here
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