A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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