If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize