my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
