White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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