I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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