i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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