apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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