If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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