It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
