i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
