the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
