you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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