moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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