i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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