im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
