dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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