life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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