My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
