Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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