The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
