I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
