What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
