My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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