i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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