Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You are the jesus of drinking
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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