tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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