i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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