I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize