i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
