I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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