i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
