my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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