My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
