he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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