Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize