Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Alive.
So much puke
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
