I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
