Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
