i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
